Here we try some humor, if for any reason you find something offensive please let us know stating the cause of your concern, this should be readable by kids as well as adults. We sometime miss a word that maybe we should not use, let us know and we will correct.
Modern Zen for the US Military
Ed.: Recently adopted by the Joint Chiefs of Staff...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
5. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. Don't squat with your spurs on.
13. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
14. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
GI HUMOR - Don't mess with a Vet
Ed.: SFTT does not endorse the overuse of alcoholic beverages to boost morale or combat courage...(maybe 1x six-pack...)
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and
made a mess.
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.
And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
GI HUMOR - Redneck Medical Terms
Ed.: For all of you that were upset about the non-politically correct joke...here is one more for PC. It took me years to speak the lingo but one year on a Southern tank crew did it. Might help some of you Yankees that have lived in isolation...
* Benign - What you be after you be eight.
* Artery - The study of paintings.
* Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
* CATscan - Searching for kitty.
* Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
* Colic - A sheep dog.
* Coma - A punctuation mark.
* D & C - Where Washington is.
* Enema - Not a friend
* Dilate - To live long
* Fester - Quicker than someone else. * Fibula - A small lie.
* G.I. Series - World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
* Node - I knew it.
* Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear - A lie about someone's Pappy.
* Post Operative - A letter carrier.
* Rectum - Damn near killed him.
* Secretion - Hiding something.
* Seizure - Roman emperor.
When the Master Chief gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day with my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home."
His wife looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bas;;;;;, you've
been out playing golf again!
GI HUMOR - Some Dogs are different
four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third a Chemist, and the fourth was a Government worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your
stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop!
Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government
worker, and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government worker called
to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break slowly got off his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, , claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Riding A Honda
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?"
The bike responds, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver says, "No I haven't."
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?" The bike responds, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver says, "No I haven't."
Then, suddenly, there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch.
A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood and surely dying, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
The man replies, "Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years".
The biker asks, "Where are the brakes?"
An old man was laying on his death bed.
He had only hours to live when he suddenly
smelled chocolate chip cookies.
He loved chocolate chip cookies more than
anything else in the world.
With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself
out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs.
Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.
There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies.As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the
back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was
"Leave them alone!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"
Subject: Fw: Signs
"All unattended children given free kitten"
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electricians truck. "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome; Dog food is expensive."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.==In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."
At a garage specializing in radiator repair: "A great place to take a leak
==================Subject: Here's a little part of US history, which makes
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.